TOOL DESCRIPTIONS

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good material into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts sitting next to the object we are trying to hit.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

JEWELERS SAW: A lot like riding a horse. The more you attempt to control its course, the more it goes where it wants to go, when it wants. Resists and struggles with authority.

MICROMETER: Commonly used as a C-Clamp for holding parts while soldering, welding or grinding. Not a very accurate measuring tool after that.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

POLISHING MACHINE: Perfect tool for launching small projectiles across the room or into the wall.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as CD's, DVD's, seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch!”